All set for the summer sauna

THERE it is … spring 2022 is a thing of the past. Welcome to summer 2022/23. And having said that, I also have to say that this past Wednesday, the last Wednesday of spring 2022, was a scorcher!

I have a feeling that the summer lying ahead could be brutal.

I remember how – before the coronavirus changed how and where we work – I used to look forward to going to the office during summer. You see, at the office we had an air-conditioner and it was an absolute joy to walk into a cool office … when it was working.

Occasionally the office aircon would go on the fritz and it was at those times that my colleagues and I would play a game we called ‘sub-editor-sauna’. Nobody enjoyed the game. It wasn’t fun.

Working remotely has some advantages, but not having an air-conditioned office is a downer! However, even if I had an air-conditioner at home these days, with all the cable theft and load shedding, I doubt that it would benefit me much anyway.

Speaking of load shedding, a friend recently berated me saying that my suggestion that he use candles during power outages was a terrible idea. He scolded me for a good 12 minutes saying that the candles he bought were not bright at all.

I can’t forget the look on his face when I told him that in order for a candle to work, you need to light the wick!

Anyway, that being said, with summer now upon us, I will be all alone at my remote office for the next three months playing ‘solo-sub-editor-sauna’.

The good news could be that according to my trusty weather app on my trusty smartphone, the first Wednesday of summer 2022 could see a 60% probability of thunderstorms in Kimberley.

But then again, don’t get your hopes up. The other day I checked my trusty weather app on my trusty smartphone during a heavy downpour and it was predicting a 50% chance of rain at that exact time.

I even have a fake news weather app, it seems.

Speaking of fake news, has it ever happened that while reading a news report that you start telling yourself, “Surely this cannot be true. They must have made a mistake or … it must be April 1”?

I had that experience about a week ago when I read a story about two terminally ill men, who have been leaning heavily against death’s door for a while now, spending an evening jiving together at an exclusive restaurant in Umhlanga.

I am willing to bet that the outspoken critics of the two men had their own chest pains when they read the story or watched the video clips of the dying pair living it up.

Another news story that had me flabbergasted was about how a criminal case against a truck driver, who was arrested in Mpumalanga on charges of fraud and theft of Eskom’s coal, had been withdrawn.

A source at the power utility had spoken to the media when the driver was arrested. According to a report, he told the media that the man was caught red-handed with a truckload of rubble, instead of coal, meant for the power station.

But here’s the kicker. The driver had allegedly collected the load of coal, valued at about R30,000, and was supposed to deliver it to the Camden power station in Ermelo. However, he deviated from the route to a coalyard near Middelburg and soon after emerged with a truckload of rubble with some coal, probably just mixed in for colour.

The Mpumalanga spokesperson for the National Prosecuting Authority made an announcement: “Please note that the above-mentioned matter was not enrolled due to insufficient evidence.”

A truckload of rubble is ‘insufficient evidence’ after he left the coal-yard with coal? That rang a bell in my head. I remembered a friend telling me how he and the armed response security team had caught a thief in his yard.

The young man had a bag slung across his back containing tools as well as some items from my friend’s home. My friend shrugged as he told me that the case had been thrown out due to there being a ‘lack of evidence’.

I thought of my friend when I came across a South African bedtime poem recently. I don’t know who wrote it, but it goes …

The doors are all locked, the security gates too,

Burglar-barred windows make homes look like a zoo.

The alarms are all activated, and the cars are pulled in,

The electric fence is buzzing, motion beams glow dim.

The Rotties are snoring in baskets in the hall,

So they cannot be poisoned over the wall.

The gun’s out the safe and under the bed;

Our prayers (to survive the night) have been said …

So, nighty-night-night, we hope you sleep tight;

We’ll leave it to Eskom to switch off the light.